Dream Detective

Lockdown has provided months of time, all be it unsolicited for quiet reflection & introspection. It has also brought me many nights filled with dreams and the time to look at them. The latest of these I now feel compelled to write about, I apologise in advance for doing so.


Me and dreams go back a long way, I’ve been doing them for bloody ages. Good dreams, bad dreams in the middle kind of dreams, I’ve wondered about those dreams, what do they mean? Do they actually mean anything at all?

Some repeat again & again, coming back night after night in slightly different forms. For a long while after divorcing I would have this really horrible dream in which my ex.wife featured. Each night would be the same, it ended with me waking up at 3.30 a.m. precisely in a cold sweat with the sound of a cackling Harpy ringing in my ears. But that one doesn’t happen anymore, thank goodness. But there is always another dream.

This latest one is sketchy, but from what I remember it takes place somewhere in Europe, a large City I believe. I am in a light coloured linen suit, looking it has to be said pretty darned good. It’s the present day, or one close in time to the here & now. I have a glass of white fizz in my hand and I am in a building which is all marble & plate glass, it is maybe a private apartment, or possibly some kind of gallery space over several floors, i’ts full of chattering people, the chic kind and some kind of party is going on. Several languages are being spoken, waiting staff saunter by with trays of canapés & drinks. The canapés are those fussy little bites that cost a bomb but are so small and unsatisfying that if you are like me you spend most of your time watching out for the next tray to get close so you can pounce.
Anyway, back to the party, I don’t know what it is for, but I know I’m involved with it rather than just a guest that has been invited. I am making small talk with the other party goers, in a detached kind of way, when the gathered chattering throng of people parts, biblically like the Red Sea & in the gap created a woman strides, looking like a million dollars, she is tall, elegant and dressed in a trouser suit with bare shoulders, the outfit is topped off or rather footed with a pair of killer heels and a baby rests on her hip. The party is clearly all about her, whoever she is and she is the centre of attention. She walks straight up to me, looks intently at me with big green sparkly eyes & hands the baby to me with outstretched arms. Take her she says. The child deposited she turns on her heels and heads back off into the crowd.
Left holding the baby I put down my glass and secure the infant in my arms. The child is maybe eighteen months, of the female variety & not yet talking, but alert and interacting with her surroundings. We are comfortable with each other. The infant addition brings more party goers towards me and I become a new centre of attention.
Then in time the infant becomes more animated & the sound of bodily wind erupts from beneath the depths of a white cotton dress. Shortly afterwards an aroma of unmistakable foulness is in the air and the cherubic face of the little one contorts into a vision of strain and toil like a troll-child. Brown liquid seeps from beneath the dress and I know we are in big trouble. I need to get her to a toilet and begin to make my way through the crowd, apologising as I go, the filthy liquid pours unabated from the infant, I do my best to stifle the flow by placing one hand over the bottom of the child but it just makes things worse. The pressure of my hand leaves only one exit point from the diaper & a jet of poop sprays like a power hose covering me and my linen suit, fellow guests & the child in a chocolate torrent. I eventually make it to the toilet only to find it occupied. I plead with the occupant to let me in, but my protestations fall on deaf ears. All around me a growing sea of liquid poop accumulates, now my shoes squelch. And still it flows. I head back along the corridor past horrified guests looking for another lavatory whilst the infant continues to evacuate. How can one small creature contain so much shit? And why did she have to decant it with me?

The dream ends thus, with me and the baby both covered in shit running up and down in a state of utter panic looking for a toilet, whilst genteel party goers, some likewise shit sprayed, scream in terror as they make for the exits as the event descends into chaos.

After waking I keep thinking about this dream, what’s it all about, is it my subconscious trying to work something out, is it simply the wandering thoughts of night, let’s see what’s on the internet.

My first hit is a website on dreams, 121 people have posted dreams about poop. What is going on, why do people have so many dreams about crap? Here are four examples from the website:

mayette February 14, 2020
i dream of bring poop on my right shoulder by a fish with a bird’s face. then I walked and saw another poop I’m not sure from which animal came from, then I cleaned it up.


Brandy Dixon August 6, 2018
I dreamed i was raising dragons they would poop in gold cages i would wrap the poopcages in giant leaves tie them off with gold threads then sell or give the dragon poop to people. Other than me having a couple screws loose, Whats the meaning of that?

Sophazi LL December 20, 2019
I had a weird dream in which my friend who is late and i, got robbed and we had dogs that protected us and as i went out, i bumped into 4 kids looking at me being kissed by this one big dog. All of a sudden I’m in manny dirty shacks ( squatter camps) and drowning in the sewage full of poo and wearing boots that are not mine. The sewage wiped and drowned me. As such , i ate pieces of this poo some where in my boots. Tried to lough and deny that but there were famillier people that were loughing at me and pointing at where the poo was. Inside the boots and my mouth

& as I read on I begin to think that perhaps there’s something wrong with me, my dream is actually quite tame in the turd stakes. But then I am saved by Lucy, from who knows where, who brings it back to real:


Lucy May 12, 2020
I dreams i shits in my underwear while lying on my bed.


There is little in the way of explanation on the website for the specifics of the dreams, the opening paragraph uninspiringly states:-

‘Dreaming about peeing or pooping can simply suggest that you may have to go in real life. Your mind is telling you to wake up to do your business.’

Thanks for that, very illuminating, not.

The website goes on to say, loosely, that shit is about money coming to the dreamer, or good fortune, now I could deal with either of these for sure, just bring it on……………

That all your hard work is paying off, but then I haven’t worked I years?

I have waded through Freuds Interpretation of dreams, I thought it would be worth a read, and so I did from cover to cover. Let me tell you there’s a lot of pages between the two. Now Freud might be a big cheese in shrinkdom, but this book was bloody dull and I learnt bugger all. If you want my opinion, which you probably don’t give it a miss.

So what if dreams are just some kind of sleeping wish fulfilment, or a glimpse of future possibility, what about that?

Why was I handed the baby, who was the woman? Now my fantasy might be to be hooked up with a younger women, maybe I was in this dream? If so could I be the father of the child? I ponder this possibility for a moment I kind of like the idea of a younger glamorous woman…… but nope. The only woman that I know who who’s been vaguely interested in me, and also beautiful & young enough to have a child is barely talking to me. ( I blotted my copy book, but that’s another story )
Maybe instead I’m the Grandfather? Well that’s possible. But I’m just as likely to be the hired help, maybe I’m just a servant. That’s far more likely, I end up as a bloody servant, dealing with shit, but at least one with a decent suit I suppose.
But then it comes back to the poop. Why the poop and why me?

Joshua Orekhie is an Evangelist Preacher from Nigeria. He has a lengthy guide to poop in dreams & its reasoning. He thinks it God showing us about The Devil.
Read more at: https://www.evangelistjoshua.com/dream-shit-poop/
But I don’t do religion, so Josh didn’t work for me. There are Islamic sites that interpret faeces dreams, and dozens of other web pages from around the world, all giving different dreams & reasons, I was mildly interested in some pieces of advice:

The location of the toilet in your dream is equally important. To try to find a toilet to shit in during the dream (but not find one) can suggest new plans on the horizon – new play, God I need some new plans.

Or if you dreamed you weren’t able to get rid of poop on your clothes, or you couldn’t flush it from a toilet, such dream usually indicates not being able to let go of some emotions which have been suffocating you for a long time. This dream is a message to let go of all your emotional baggage and move on with your life. Oh that old chestnut, maybe.

In the end I give up, there are too many explanations & one often contradicts another or mentions something completely different.
So in the end I take away from my dream all that I reasonably can, four points:

Under no circumstances hold a baby whilst wearing light coloured clothing.

Ensure any infant you are responsible for even if only briefly wears a heavy duty diaper.

When a baby is about make sure you know where the nearest toilet is.

Never try to analyse a dream, what you find is just a load of shit.


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