This is old stuff, for me to remember.
The rain is crashing on the ground outside, thunder is echoing around the mountains, it is early morning, a little past dawn, Daramshala. I lie on the bed and my hand gently traces a line down the back of the woman next to me sleeping soundly. I rest my hand on hers, struck by the contrast in our skin tones, mine a little rough and weathered, hers smaller, finer. I ask myself how I got here, I play over the routes taken, as the thunder continues I cuddle up next to her, I close my eyes and sleep and dream gentle dreams.
We spend couple of weeks seeing each other, doing stuff together, having fun. We explore, we walk up and down mountains, we go to shows and satsangs, yoga classes, temples, bars, lots of stuff. Then our time together comes to a natural conclusion, I drop my little Japanese girl at the Bus Depot, we hug each other, lips meet and then we part. She heads for the airport and points East, I am heading west. I am ok with that.
But deeper down I understand that I am looking for something that cannot work, that my desire for companionship, warmth, love is all fine, it’s a natural process, but that I add a whole extra layer of complication, I want somebody to adore, on top of that I need them to find value in me, to love me, then and only then will can I find value in myself. Validation through the eyes of another, this is not going to work, it cannot, I need a different way. How do I change a lifetime of thinking?