The woman thing, the relationship thing, I seem to have an unfailing ability to create messy situations for myself when it comes to women, worse than that if I don’t create the problem then it doesn’t matter, I am simply catapulted into these situations anyway.
One recent prince of fools moments started innocently enough with a date, I had been interested in her for a little while and when it came to an evening out something just kicked off, as the evening progressed I decided that I found her more and more appealing.She had the kind of sultry looks that get me, dark eyes, mediterranean looks, long dark hair. Wine oiled the wheels and at the end of a pleasant evening a goodbye peck didn’t seem to be fitting, it developed with a come in for coffee, then a sleep over. Well, fair enough these things happen, but in the morning it became apparent that our lustful liaison had been conducted sans protection, that my companion being a little younger than me & in full working order was perfectly capable of getting pregnant. Action was required, as a participatory partner I could only do my bit so of we went to the chemist to get the morning after pill.
It is 9am, I am standing at the Chemists counter with her, the chemist peers over his spectacles towards me then back to my companion. As he looks at me I feel myself shrinking in stature, I stand sheepishly next to my companion,I think to myself I am fifty-one years old and I am here getting a morning after pill what the hell am I doing? The chemist glances at me over the rims of his spectacles, its a disapproving glance. I feel like I am back in school and have just come bottom of the class in a test. I decide he thinks I am a bloody fool,he is right. The transaction lasts just a few excruciating minutes, but it feels like an eternity. We go for breakfast and all through it I just want to get away, I’ve screwed up again and I want out of here.
As I ruminate on my latest debacle I go over others, this isn’t the first time, or the second in the last year I’ve been in this zone and I keep going back. Periodically I sleep with a woman and afterwards I decide I’ve made a mistake, is it because I am sleeping with the wrong women,for me? Or am looking for a way of being happy with myself though the attention of a woman, if its the later then when I get that attention I don’t want it & I run a mile.
I guess that its about feeling needed,desired,I have a bit of a hole on that front, so unsurprisingly I want to fill it, but I don’t seem to be able to just have fun with it, to share a little fun with a woman, to enjoy time with each other, I want it to mean something and thus far meaning eludes me.
I’m mindful of the Buddhist idea of playing with life, of the light-heartedness of play and of fun and joy, but I seem to fail rather spectacularly. Life likes to play with us, it loves to play with me, but like a grumpy old man I keep refusing.
A couple of weeks ago I went on a Yoga holiday, on a little Island off the coast of Naples, the sun shone, the sea glistened, it was an oasis in time and an escape from the grumpy man that I can be in London. I looked forward to it for weeks, when I arrived I was introduced to the other participants, one couple had a young baby-girl. A sweet bundle of chubbiness in a pram, she was eight months old. How cute I thought, then I heard the babys name, an unusual name, the same as my ex. I was for the next week on a daily basis going to hear the name of my Ex uttered umpteen times a day. On some level I was here to get away from old memories and the past, but life wanted to play with me, to tease me. I had something to learn here and this was my practice.
I stopped internet dating a while back, I decided it really wasn’t the right time, but down deep I still want that feeling of being wanted, its a powerful one. From time to time I dive in again, only to retreat swiftly. I play at relationships, I explore the friend zone, I learn to play the game and life plays it with me.