fiftyfreeandsingle

My well-meaning friend has with Evangelical Zeal taken up the challenge of helping me to be Whole, making a new man of me. Little does she realise what a Behemoth of a task she has set herself.

I was more or less dragged to Wholefoods on Kensington High Street  this  Saturday afternoon. Now, I am, to counter those cynics who may think  me an entirely obtuse man actually keenly aware of the great value of eating well, but, particularly of late it has felt like a low priority, I haven’t enjoyed food or cooking. Indeed I am not oblivious  to Wholefoods, I have been there before, but i have never sampled the goods and tarried as it were. My eyes were rather closed to Wholefoods charms. This time I  did sample the delights  and you know what I rather liked the idea of making it a regular haunt, in the not too distant future.

For those of you who don’t know this illustrious emporium in W8 it describes itself as the Worlds leading Organic and Health-Food Grocers. Having traversed the aisles and floors with my well-meaning friend I am perfectly willing to agree with their attestation.I was shown the barrels of pulses and grains, the fresh fruit, the chilled cabinets, I managed to stop at the sweet area and top up with free sample fudge, sugar levels restored we ventured into the pills, potions and healthcare products area. My friend ushered me towards one of the staff, this is my friend, she said, gesturing towards me, he needs your help, he has such a lot wrong with him, you can help him. We walked on along the aisles, I said to my friend I was a little taken aback by her words to the shop-assistant. She is very good though, she can help you, she is my friend and knows lots…………………….

I was shown bottles and boxes of potions with miraculous properties, some also had miraculous prices to match, but then miracles don’t come cheap. We pottered and shopped, purchased some of those necessities of life, Soya Milk, Organic Double Chocolate Chip cookies and a few other bits an pieces.

There are machines to grind your fresh coffee, geysers of whey, nut butter makers, endless hours to spend on food. We stop at the herb teas, a guy is filling the shelves, my friend tells me I need herb tea to help me sleep, the assistant overhears and immediately recommends three separate varieties, you don’t get this in Tesco’s.

At a little display stand on the way a dark, rather beautiful assistant is offering samples of Quinoa Vodka, I have  heard about this stuff, it is supposed to be very good, pure unadulterated, chemical free, I tried it, it tasted ok, it tasted fine, I looked at the assistant, dark eyes, long dark hair, she was very pretty, she was French. I’m not sure if it was the Quinoa or the Girl, but suddenly I felt lighter and jollier. As we continued to saunter the rest of the store it began to register,  the whole place was awash with attractive women, everywhere I look, pretty women.

Note to self, at that time as yet unspecified when your brain functions normally shop here, the benefits are clear, and there is every possibility of finding something tasty down those aisles to bring home.

I leave my friend to return home, my nutty Aunt Mary-Anne is coming a visiting. It is thankfully a flying visit, she’s in London for an interview. As the doorbell rings I feel a pang of trepidation, a visit from her never passes without a drama, this one though only for two hours doesn’t fail to live up to expectations.

I ask how she is, she tells me she’s been terrible, this will be her last year she has decided. That’s just what I need another soul full of good cheer around, in our chat we discover  we are on the same antidepressant, my competitive streak kicks in, I hate being beaten, I insist I am more depressed than she is, we argue who is the most fucked up, she tells me that  she really has things to be depressed about. Eventually I reckon I win the battle as my dosage is double hers, therefore I must be twice as miserable, you cannot argue with pure mathematics. I feel self-satisfied.  I retire to the kitchen to make tea, my Aunt starts to ferret around the place, she’s an inquisitive lady, she goes thru my DVD collection in the sitting room, I don’t think anything of it, until there’s a loud scream………

I rush into the sitting room what is it whats the matter? My Aunt is shaking and cowering in the corner of the room. I’m stuck she exclaims. I forget to warn her that I have mice and have taken radical steps to get rid of them, I realise that she has trodden in a rather large tile of Goo, It is s industrial strength, used by professional exterminators to catch-fast rodents. It has caught my Aunt.

I calm her down, I clean her shoes, she stops shaking, I take her to Waterloo Station and I am in peace again.

Maybe being alone isn’t always that bad.