fiftyfreeandsingle

I have found clarity and understanding and a turning point in my life,  and it is all due to Chinese Sweet & Sour Chicken with Egg Fried Rice.

The said concoction of mono sodium glutamate, sugar and other unrecognisable foodstuffs was purchased from my local take-away, “The Fortune Star”. As I walked in the lady serving behind the counter greeted me like an old friend, that was when I realised I was in the shit. She was pleased to see me, I was a regular customer, in that moment I realised I had hit the bottom of the pile. This junk food emporium had become a habitual eaterie for me, I was Mr.Take-Away. In the past I wouldn’t have set foot in the place, now it was a quick fix for food, a necessity of keeping the body going.

I have slid down a slippery slope, from a more optimistic state a few months ago to here, where I find motivation and direction feels almost impossible, I am existing, little more and I see myself unable to find joy in even the simplest things. A few days ago I was out in brilliant morning sunshine, I thought to myself this should be beautiful, I understood it was beautiful, but I couldn’t feel that beauty. It was as though my mind was anaesthetised, blunted to feeling, a void, unable to feel either love or hate, pain or joy, just emptiness.

I feel like I am Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, that each morning my alarm goes off at six ( actually I am awake hours before ) and I relive the same story over and over. Some friends encourage me to move, to just do stuff, others say don’t beat yourself up, when you are ready to move you will, meanwhile I roll on, half-living.

I have thought about medication, about counselling, I didn’t take up either. Now I am ready to try any avenue, I want out of Groundhog Day, so I trundle off to the GP.

I wait for a drop in clinic on Saturday morning, I sit for an hour in the queue, I am seen by a loccum, I explain my predicament, she does her best to fathom out a positve course of action, we talk about CBT, about therapy, about medication. I say I will give anything a go, I just need some sort of boost to get me up and on, we settle firstly on an anti-depressant and I am prescribed, once again, this time I am taking it.

The GP warns me that the anti depressant may to begin with give me feelings of anxiety, I cannot help but laugh out loud , surely the anti-depressant is to stave off anxiety? Yes, she replies but to begin with it may not. Now that is seriously funny.

For a while I was out there, meeting people, doing stuff, exploring, now I have retreated into my shell and begun to face myself, I don’t like the view. I need a reason to be here, and for now I am not the reason, at least not a good enough one. I realise in the past I focussed on being a father, being a husband, being a family man, working and earning a living. That was enough to give me a purpose, a reason to be. Now those reasons have faded and I need something different.

I am stuck in my mindset, unmoving, it needs to change, it needs energy and action and I need to fight my way back, or rather forwards, there is no going back. I don’t want back. It’s all about energy, riding the energy and taking action. I am not going to fix my head, so I will fix what I can, myself, forget the thoughts, the greyness, the void and fill it, for now at least. Life is a game and I need to play.

This is where Mr.McKenna comes in, I was never a big fan, but he’s promised to change my life in 7 Days. If he doesn’t I’m asking the shithouse  for a refund. If McKenna is wanting then I have a zillion other self help books to try, and lets face it, it really doesn’t matter what does the job, meds, counselling, self-help books, Buddhism, just trying, making the effort, doing stuff,  ultimately the only person to get me out of Groundhog day is me.

I see absolutely that it is all in the mind, in my mind, that nobody nor nothing makes this place where I find myself what it is other than me. Nobody nor nothing else will take me away from it other than me, this is my call.  I have a myriad of tools to use to guide me along the way, I will use any of them that work, even if Mr. McKenna is one little step along the road.

And so back to Mr. McKenna, Day 1 of changing my life involves sitting quietly and visualising the authentic me. It takes a little while, but when I get to that place of dreams I am fantastic, I’m a happy Dude, content and sorted, the sun is on my face and I am near the sea. There are palm trees behind me.

Book me a ticket, I’m coming.