A good friend told me I need a woman to adore me, that in turn I need a woman to adore, she was right.
I realise that I am not in the best place in myself, that I have lots to sort out, that perhaps maybe I just need to give it time. But also I can see that a woman, with no dramas, no games, who travels light without too much baggage or too many issues would be good for me – to be real, to be open, to be myself, would make life sparkle for me.
I am conscious that right now to be honest I think I will do almost anything to feel free of the places I have been, that maybe it isn’t the right thing for me to enter a relationship, that perhaps I should fix myself and then think about moving on, but I just want to feel ok, I want to hold somebody, somebody I feel attracted to, somebody that is attracted to me, that’s all I want, a space away from the loneliness.
I go back to the dating web site and start again, my first new hit is with a woman from Uxbridge, she winks and adds me as a favourite. It’s always good to get winked and favourited, it’s like a little tick of approval, somebody somewhere might actually actually fancy me, thank God for that, until I check out her profile – her hobbies are knitting and shooting a rifle, me thinks we don’t have too much in common.
I cannot help thinking that if we should ever fall out then Ms.Uxbridge may get her rifle out, no, sorry it’s a delete…………………………….
Getting a date is not a problem, it feels very much a mans world on the website, I don’t know if there are just lots more ladies than men or that those guys online just do a rubbish job of selling themselves, but I have a quorum of potential dates in the offing.
I seem to arrive at an eclectic mix, I start with looks, as men tend to do, who looks attractive to me, then I look to see how the describe themselves and what they may be looking for in a man, then I take a guess if all three seem to make sense and if I should follow my hunches.
I am winked at again, I check her out, a woman of 42 from Hornchurch, she sounds happy, grounded and interesting, then I notice a Camden lady who ticks boxes all over the place, then a Drama Queen from the dark South with a taste for younger men who’s making an exception with me, then a new arrival in a week – an ex-pat back from the far east lining up some Notting Hill action, next a booky red-head from SE1 who rides a bike a lot, an eclectic mix, I want to connect, conversations happen, texts are exchanged, dates are arranged.
My first date is lovely, Ms. Camden, we meet in a pub in Primrose hill, she is delicious, she is clever, she is pretty, she has the most beautiful eyes and a smile that melts, I wonder why on earth I have other dates in the offing,I wonder how I can cancel them without being an arse.
We talk about our previous partners she tells me her ex had a mid-life crisis and went elsewhere, what an absolute idiot he is I think, as the evening comes to an end I turn into a total buffoon, I feel like a fourteen year old with this woman, it’s as though I have lost the ability to converse like an adult, she must think I am an imbecile, but I go home thinking that maybe, just maybe somewhere out there is a woman that I can love.