At 4am this morning I was wide awake and trying not to be, thinking again, far too much bloody thinking thats my problem. Before I didnt think enough, now I think too much.
Last night I felt like the pits, in bed unable to sleep, my head a mash of miserable negative thoughts, it’s not like that all the time by any means, just sporadically, something kicks off and ghosts come to haunt me. They like to pick a time when I am alone, when it’s dark, when it’s silent and nobody else is awake, whatever I do the little bastards will not go away. This time out of desperation and to put an end to my haunting I started saying to myself all things change, a repeating mantra over and over in my head. I told myself that what I was feeling was just in this moment, that nothing stays the same, that in time the feeling would change. I kept repeating, adding this is just your story, your made up story, its not real. The Sceptres departed and sleep came at last, I woke feeling refreshed. Those ghosts will be back, but next time I will remind myself how to deal with them.
I get annoyed with myself, I see how I am operating, how I work, I have enough insight and rationality to understand, to know what I could to to improve my state, but do I take action? No, not really, not effectively, what on earth is it all about? I wonder if its some sub-conscious effort on my part to want to feel bad, to want to make myself suffer, to want to feel that something terrible has happened to me, something I didnt deserve. That if I dont feel bad for a long-time then my twenty-one year marriage cannot have meant anything, maybe thats my story, that I am trying to make what I thought I had of value, that by being miserable it means it was worth something, a lost prize that is mourned, if I dont miss it, if i am “ok” then maybe my marriage meant nothing, it might mean I wasted two decades of my life on a lost cause – I dont want to face the possibility.
There’s a cupboard of photos in my sitting room, amongst them a big pile of my wedding photos, I dont know if I will ever look at them again, certainly not at any point in the near future, actually they scare me.
Once those photos had a meaning, twenty something year olds smiling faces with bright hopes for the future, now I see them through bitter eyes, hopes and dreams destroyed. As it stands I would like to incinerate the lot of them, incinerate the memories, burn them from existance and pretend it never happened. Were it so simple.
It is clear to me, I am not clean, I am not out of it, my withdrawl symptoms come back again, at night, in the silent hours, the ex.husband ain’t over his habit, not yet.
I annoy myself, I wish I could snap out of it, feel light, feel happy, feel free, I am way too serious, I need to lighten up. I think that because of the way my relationship ended I have decided that I must never allow anything like this again, I have to find something better. No way can I ever accept a relationship that is ok, that just functions, I want more, I need more, not as much or less, its got to be the real deal. I dont want to fuck up again, but the problem with this is that before any relationship has a chance I am already hexing it, sabotaging it before it has gotten started, I want perfection, I want understanding, meaning, love, desire, honesty, I want it all right away, I want it “right” from the start, but that’s not possible. Relationships need to grow, to be nurtured, most of all they need to be explored, expectations lead to dissapointment……………..
What I really need in my life now is a little fun, to laugh, to be silly from time to time, carefree, but not careless, enjoy my time and share good company. I am not talking about shagging around or playing the field, just having a good time, meeting somebody thats fun, that I can share some life with, a friend with benefits, a Woman that lets me be a Man.
A little mischief with an attractive, intelligent, interesting and sexy woman, if you know a suitable candidate please tip me the wink, its all part of my recovery programme, Doctors orders.
Do mention that I have my own teeth and hair ( the later a little grey and possibly thinning on top ), as one passes 50 I gather these are increasingly rare assets so best to mention them. Must not undersell myself.